Chapter One: Dieting Sucks

 

Diets have always been uninspiring, dreary and tedious, until The Sexy Beast Diet came along!

Dieting, as fun goes, ranks right up there with finding out your annual performance review will be given by the VP you called an “ignorant slut” at last year’s Christmas party or sporting an enraged fever blister on a first date.

 

Until now.

Enter The Sexy Beast Diet.

The Sexy Beast Diet is where you’ll find not only can you diet, but you like it.

Like it?

For real.

Would I lie to you just to sell a book?

Here’s what you’re going to get:

Background information on healthy eating that you need to know but, more importantly, information you can use to impress women.

A simple, masculine eating plan that will keep you the Sexy Beast you are, albeit a thinner, healthier Sexy Beast—without leaving you hungry.

75 delicious things you can eat all you want of. (Don’t worry, prepositions at the end of sentences are no longer outlawed.)

75 delicious things you can eat most of the time.

25 delicious things you can only eat only on the fifth Tuesdays of odd-numbered months.

A host of simple recipes—and I do mean simple—that combine the 75 eat-all-you-want things with the 75 eat-most-of-the-time things.

 On Whose Authority?

If I were you, the first thing I’d want to know is why you—that’s me, in this instance—are qualified to write this book. What makes me, uh, you, a diet expert?

Good question.

I’m not really. Oh sure, I’ve edited and published a number of books (see * below) on health and dieting, including a New York Times best-seller, but who hasn’t?

The real qualifications I have to write this book are two:

• I am a Sexy Beast. Just like you.

• I’m going to include simple, well-researched, usable information. And I’m going to do it in fewer words than the number of angels that can sit on the head of a pin. All fur and no fluff.

     *  Books I’ve edited and published:

 Dr. Gott’s No Flour, No Sugar Diet by Peter H. Gott, M.D.

 The California Wine Country Diet: The Indulgent Approach to Managing Your Weight by Haven Logan, Ph.D.

 Refuse to Regain!: 12 Tough Rules to Maintain the Body You’ve Earned! by Barbara Berkley, M.D.

 Dr. Gott’s No Flour, No Sugar Cookbook, by Peter H. Gott, M.D.

  Live Longer, Live Better: Taking Care of Your Health After 50  by Peter H. Gott, M.D

 Please Don’t Eat the Animals, by Jennifer Horsman & Jaime Flowers

 Easy & Healthy Japanese Food for the American Kitchen by Keiko Aoki

 Could it Be B12?: An Epidemic of Misdiagnoses by Sally M. Pacholok, R.N. and Jeffrey J. Stuart, D.O.

 Dr. Ruth’s Sex After 50: Revving Up the Romance, Passion & Excitement by Dr. Ruth Westheimer (Hey, this is a book on health. Every Sexy Beast knows good sex is healthy!)

       And a host of others.

What’s Sexy and What’s Not

Everyone wants to be sexy.

Men want to be virile and sexy. Women want to be beautiful and sexy.

Ok, maybe not everyone.

I had a high school civics teacher who used to always say, “never say ‘never’” so, in the spirit of Mr. Hull, perhaps I misspoke.

It is possible some people don’t want to be sexy. The Pope comes to mind.

And, apparently President Jimmy Carter didn’t care about turning a fair maiden’s head, at least not while he was in the White House, but, for every Jimmy Carter, there’s 1,001 Bill Clintons.

I’m willing to bet you aren’t a Jimmy Carter or the Pope.

Know what women find sexy?

The ability to listen. Women love to talk, and their favorite subject is themselves. Simply listen, nod, and ask a simple question now and then and you’ll be spending more time between the sheets than on the sports page.

Confidence. It isn’t that confidence is such a turn on as it is that indecisiveness is such a turn off. Make up your mind. Stick to your decisions. Sexy Beasts are confident, self-disciplined beasts.

• Wisdom. Keep up on the universe and all its goings-on. This may mean you’ll have to do some reading. Suck it up.

Industriousness. Doubt a good work ethic is sexy? Try this for a pick up line sometime: “I haven’t been able to find a job for a couple of years now, so I live with my mom.”

Scintillating conversation. When she isn’t talking, she wants you to talk. If you can’t think of anything to say, ask something about her. See “The ability to listen” above.

Fitness. Most women say they don’t put an emphasis on looks to the degree men do, but check around and see how many women you know who find beer bellies attractive.

Know what women don’t find sexy?

Fat. She’ll be impressed if you can heft a 90-pound sack of cement, but not if you have one hanging over your belt or stored in the seat of your pants. Wiggle a double chin at her and see if her eyes gleam with lust.

Lack of cleanliness. Poor grooming or bad hygiene is a big turn off. It also results in insipid sex. If she smelled bad, would you…?

Meanness. You may have heard that women go for bad boys, but that doesn’t translate into treating her badly. Sexy Beasts are gentlemen.

Coffins. In most cultures, including the one you live in, illness and death are not considered sexy. Chronic disease and early trips to the grave go together with being overweight.

So let’s get started.

 Here’s your toolkit.

As a Sexy Beast, you already have what you need:

• Desire

• Smarts

• Self-discipline

• This book.

This chapter is yet unedited. Pointing out my errors is encouraged, after all everyone needs an editor. Just click the “Add Comments” link at the top right. Thanks!

 Posted by at 6:53 PM

  3 Responses to “Chapter One: Dieting Sucks”

  1. I already feel sexier after reading the first chapter!

  2. Good ideas for dudes:)

    Maybe under listen you could say everyone’s favorite subject is themselves (not just women)

    • It’s meant to be tongue-in-cheek. In another context I would certainly never say it was just women nor do I believe it’s just women. But this is a book for men. Written like one dude talking to another over a beer. In this case I use a stereotype men may agree with in private if nowhere else. I’m trying to be a bit edgy and a bit humorous.

      When I write this book’s counterpart for women, I’ll say the same thing about men.

      Thanks for the comment!

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